im wondering whether my late grandpa is here in my house.
I looked at the old picture of him and think what was it like being with him.
I was so small when he passed away.
The only memory left i have is asking him to buy crackers for me.

Location : Malaysia,Pontian Johor.
(Atuk was on his bike wanting to go shop)
(I ran quickly outside)
"Atuk,belikan yanie le-le. yanie nk kopok !" I said.
(Atuk went without a word)
(He came back)
" Nahh,(giving me kopok durian).. ni le-le yanie." Atuk said.
" Thank You ! (giggling) " I went off to watch tv happily.

(went to the kitchen)
(looked at grandma who is cooking)
then,atuk came from behind grandma(which i started giggling)
then poke her.
then grandma melatah.
then i just laugh and laugh,
haha.

He passed away during hari raya haji. Everyone was crying.
I wasn't crying. I didn't understand just yet.
I saw atuk died. He was just beside me.
Foams were on his mouth. He couldn't said a word.
Mom was alrdy crying. I was looking at everyone.
Haimin came and she cried badly.
How can i be so heartless and not cry along???
i felt bad now.
but i realised that i was just a kid that time.

Everyone kept telling me, sharing with me their memories with granddad.
Why couldn't i have one too?
Why can't he still be alive to watch me grow?
Why can't he still be here so that our family won't be like this?
Why can't he be here to wipe grandma's tears now?
Why God? Why did You take him away?
Why did You let our family be this way?
I don't know why but i felt like i want to say,
I HATE YOU GOD FOR TAKING HIM AWAY !

let it be a sin.
but we're crying and they don't know we're suffering.
They think we're just small kids but
guess what?
WE'RE IN THE FAMILY TOO IF YOU DON'T REALISE THAT !

It hurts so much to see grandma like this.
she hold it inside too much.
she's even scared of her own childrens.
her grandchildren is the only place she can pour herself out.
every night,she let out to me.
she may look fine,but look again deeper
she's not.